Joker's List
by Made Nightwing
Summary: The Command Team of the Normandy SR2 are sick of Joker's pranks. They make up a list of 182 things that Joker is no longer allowed to do.


*JOKER'S LIST*

Based on Skippy's List, the life and times of a Special Forces Medic.

NORMANDY SR2

CAPTAIN'S CABIN

FOUR WEEKS AFTER THE DEFEAT OF THE SHADOW BROKER

Joker stepped out of the elevator and pressed the door chime at the entrance to Shepard's cabin. He grinned slightly; Commander Taylor Shepard had asked him to come up to her cabin a little over two hours ago. Joker and Kaidan had been chatting in the cockpit when the request came through. They had been doing what they had usually done ever since Alenko came onboard, shooting the breeze, catching up on the past two years, discussing scuttlebutt, which Joker made sure was always stocked with rumors about the Commander's 'friendship' with Miranda and Tali. Kaidan had left for Shepard's quarters shortly afterwards.

Maybe if he was lucky, Joker pressed the chime again, he'd caught them in the middle of something…personal. He wished for his camera.

"Come in!" Shepard's voice was slightly muffled. The door slid open, and Joker strolled in. It was at this point that an alarm bell went off in the middle of his head.

No one was in the middle of anything. Kaidan was leaning against the desk, fully clad in Alliance fatigues. Shepard was also fully clad in the black tank top, and black fatigue trousers that had become her regular outfit. But they weren't the only ones in the room. Miranda, Garrus and Tali were also in the room. Joker began to sweat, why was the entire command team in Shepard's room?

"Take a seat Mr. Moreau," Miranda said coldly. Joker associated two voices and personalities with Miranda. There was the relaxed, laid back, fun Aussie Miranda, when she let more of her accent flow into her speech. That Miranda had drunk Zaeed, Jack and Joker under the table. Then there was super ice bitch Miranda who would prefer to sell your heart, liver and kidney's to the batarians then give you a bit of medi-gel. The one staring at him was the second Miranda.

"So, what's this about?" he smiled weakly as he sat on Shepard's desk chair. "You plan on giving me a big promotion or something?"

"Joker," Shepard approached him. "Myself and the rest of the command team have been putting up with some of your…'habits' ever since our mission started. We were willing to overlook them because of your skills and the need for everyone to be loose and focused for the Omega-4 mission."

"However, Commander Alenko has been a little concerned with some of your recent activities," EDI popped up from her terminal. "Executive Officer Lawson and Officer Vakarian are surprised that it's gone this far."

"Part of this is my fault," Shepard admitted. "I occasionally joined in on some of your pranks, probably encouraged you to go a little too far. Nevertheless, it has to stop. We've put together a list of things that you are no longer allowed to do, under any circumstances. Commander Alenko?"

Kaidan cleared his throat.

Your proper title is Flight Lieutenant Moreau, not Princess Anastasia. You will not respond to incoming hails from the Council and Alliance Command while addressing yourself as such.

Not allowed to threaten any member of the crew with black magic.

Not allowed to challenge Operative Lawson's disbelief of black magic by asking for a lock of her hair.

Not allowed to get breast implants.

Not allowed to ask Operative Lawson where she got her breast implants.

Not allowed to play 'Blasto: The Hanar Spectre' with a suction dart cup and Yeoman Chambers.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to an answer you give to a question asked to you by the command team.

Not allowed to add Commander Alenko and Lieutenant Taylor's pictures to War Criminal posters on the Citadel and Arcturus, and Most Wanted posters on Illium and Thessia.

Not allowed to add Yeoman Chamber's profile to a scale itch alert extranet site.

This goes double for Jack.

Not allowed to purchase the soul of anyone on the ship because they need extra credits for shoreleave.

If someone owes you more money over a betting pool than they can afford to pay you, it simply means they owe you until payday. It does not mean you are entitled to sell them to the batarians to cover the debt.

Not allowed to join the Terra Firma party.

Not allowed to join a pro-human terrorist organization.

Not allowed to form a pro-human terrorist organization.

Not allowed to train stray varren to 'Sic Chambers'.

The beard is fine, but you will get a haircut, even if it interferes with your Samson like powers.

God may not contradict any orders given to you by Commander Shepard.

Must not call any officer of any military lying, untrustworthy, immoral slime, even if you're right.

Must not taunt Volus anymore.

Must not attempt to antagonize Jack.

Must not call Zaeed a 'wanker'.

Must never ask anyone who outranks you if they've been snorting red sand, especially Admiral Mikhailovich.

Never confuse an Asari stripper with an Asari Commando, Lieutenant Taylor and Garrus will not always be around to save you.

Never tell a turian soldier "We kicked your ass in the First Contact War!" There will not always be a full platoon of Alliance soldiers drinking in a nearby bar to save you.

Don't make jokes about the womanly attributes, wild mating habits and flexibility of Councilor Tevos in front of an asari C-Sec officer.

When Commander Alenko is recounting how he was bitten and paralyzed by the seeker swarms, do not yell 'Ah, the bees! They're in my eyes! AHHHHH!"

Not allowed to let sock-puppets take responsibility for any of your actions.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of the Normandy.

Not allowed to chew gum at weekly briefing, unless you brought enough for everybody.

Not allowed to chew gum at weekly briefing, even if you *did* bring enough for everybody.

Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth, over the comms system while Commander Shepard is dropping in the Hammerhead. (See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/ Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker)

Can't have flashbacks to wars you were not in. (For some the First Contact War is still ongoing.)

Our CMO is Doctor Chakwas, not 'Doc Feelgood'.

Our Armory Officer is Lieutenant Taylor, not "Sugar Daddy", "Pimp Daddy" or "Piece Maker".

Not allowed to ask for a day off for religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

You do not have super powers.

"Keep on Trucking" is *not* a psychological warfare message.

Not allowed to design and sell recruitment posters to the Alliance that attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts. (See the Galaxy, Bone an Asari, may have been responsible for a sudden increase in male recruits)

Camouflage body paint is not a uniform, people *will* at some stage come down to the cockpit.

You are not the atheist chaplain.

You are not allowed to hire yourself as a dancer at the new 'Woman's Paradise' nightclub and "shake daddy's little moneymaker for credit chits stuffed into your underpants."

You are not authorized to fire Gardener because he couldn't get all the necessary ingredients for a meatlover's pizza.

You are not a citizen of Arcturus Station, and those other, insignificant human outposts.

You may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in EDI's logic.

Not allowed to trade ship's equipment for "magic beans."

Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

Not allowed to quote Dr. Seuss (Specifically parts about green eggs and ham) during assault operations.

Not allowed to yell "Take that Councilor Velarn!" on the firing range.

Not allowed to quote "Full Metal Jacket" at the firing range.

"Napalm sticks to turians" is **not** a motivational phrase.

An order to make your boots black and shiny does not involve electrical tape.

The proper response to an order from Commander Shepard is not "Why?"

The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Asari hooker, Turian Death Knell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. (Do not attempt to send these cadences to Alliance Drill Instructors)

May not make posters depicting the leadership failings in your chain of command.

"The Giant Space Ants" are not at the top of your chain of command.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to seek permission, no longer applies to Flight Lieutenant Moreau.

Command decisions do **not** need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

There are no evil clowns living underneath your bunk.

The Alliance is not engaging in an "Anti-Mime" campaign on Palaven.

You are not the Psychological Warfare Mascot for the Alliance.

You may not line your hat, or the helmets of the ground team, with tinfoil to block out "The space mind control laser beams".

May not pretend to be a turian shock trooper while on duty.

You are not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

You are not permitted to flaunt your sexual deviances in front of Yeoman Chambers.

May not wear a gimp mask while on duty.

May not conduct psychological experiments on your chain of command.

The C-Sec checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so you should not tell them, "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you're looking for."

You may not block calls to Commander Shepard, or intercept family mail to crewmember's you don't like.

You are neither the king, nor queen of cheese.

NOT, NOT, NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR BRA AND PANTIES ON DUTY.

May not introduce a drag queen as your girlfriend.

May not form any press gangs to assist with damage repair.

Must not start any Situation Report with "I recently had an experience I just had to write to you about…"

Cannot challenge Commander Alenko to "meet you at dawn on the field of honor!"

If the thought of something makes you giggle for longer than fifteen seconds, you are to assume you are not allowed to do it.

Must not refer to Officer Lawson as "Mum".

Must not refer to Commander Shepard as "Dad".

Inflated toys from Fornax do not need to be displayed during Lieutenant Taylor's barracks inspection.

You are not authorized to initiate a Jihad on the Reapers.

When asked to give a few words at your own medal investiture. "Bow, Chikka Bow Wow," is probably not appropriate.

Nerve gas is not funny.

Crucifixes do not ward off Jack, Grunt or Operative Lawson and you should not test that.

You are not in need of a more suitable host body.

"Redneck Turian Zombies" are not a military training aid.

Gozer does not dwell in Gardener's refrigerator.

The proper response to a "loss of atmosphere" drill is not to poke holes in Operative Lawson's mask.

A smiley face is not used to mark a leftover minefield from the Krogan Rebellions.

Claymore Mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell Yeoman Chambers that they are.

You are not allowed to mount a bayonet on the Thanix Cannon.

Varren and pyjaks are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war."

Admiral Hackett and Rear Admiral Anderson are not old enough to have fought on opposite sides in the American Civil War, and you should stop implying that they did.

You may not trade a rifle from the armory for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Spectre Issue gear, Turian Armored vehicles, red sand or bootleg music albums.

Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are stupid, are disfigured by multiple punches to the face and work for Westerlund news.

You are not authorized to change the internal policy of the Turian Hierarchy.

Never, ever, attempt to correct an N7 officer about anything.

You are not qualified to operate any Systems Alliance, Cerberus, Batarian Hegemony, Turian Hierarchy or Asari armored vehicles.

When saluting an infantry officer, the appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the way! Ah, sorry sir."

There is absolutely no need to emulate the main characters from "Full Monty" every time you hear the song "Hot Stuff."

You cannot trade Commander Shepard to the Reapers.

You should not speculate on the penis size of Commander Alenko, Lieutenant Taylor, Officer Vakarian, Zaeed, or Jack.

Telling Yeoman Chambers that you like to crucify mice-bad idea.

You must not convince EDI to bootleg pornography for you.

The Galaxy Map is not a revel fire; therefore it is wrong to dance naked around it.

You cannot arrest children for being rude.

An explosives ordinance briefing by Lieutenant Taylor is probably not the best place to unveil your latest off color joke about the life expectancy of bomb disposal techs.

You should not use ship's resources to "waterproof" your copies of Fornax.

Radioactive material should not be stored in crew quarters.

You should not teach crewmembers to say crude and offensive words in Turian, Salarian and Thessian, under the guise of teaching potentially useful phrases.

Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as you like.

"No Drinking of Alcoholic Beverages in the Cockpit" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's IV is acceptable.

"Shpadoinkle is not a real word, and you should not convince Samara, Grunt, Legion and Thane that it is.

The Microsoft Word 2185 Dancing Paperclip is not authorized to countermand any orders.

"I'm drunk," is a bad answer to any question posed by Commander Shepard.

NO DANCING in the Mess Hall, this especially applies in conjunction with Rule 100.

The internal comms system is not a forum to voice your ideas.

The internal comms system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno.

Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!" into the team's radios while they're deployed on heavily populated colony is bad.

Should not show up at the front door of Commander Alenko's quarters, wearing only the lower half of your uniform, completely drunk.

Even if Commander Shepard did it.

Must not teach Mordin and Grunt how to make "MRE Bombs".

You are not authorized to sell mineral rights to the Council.

Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword."

Masturbating in the cockpit does not count as PT.

You do not need to keep a range card pinned to the cockpit window. Range cards have never been used in space combat, and never will be.

You should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

Nor should you drink three quarts of red food coloring and scream during said test.

You should not threaten Commander Alenko with Pop Rocks and soda.

Must not create twelve new requisition forms, and then insist Yeoman Chambers fill them out.

The proper way to report to Rear Admiral Anderson is "Flight Lieutenant Moreau reporting for duty as ordered sir!" not "You can't prove a thing!"

The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid for the Normandy's running lights, winter tires for the Hammerhead or Chemical light batteries. Convincing Yeoman Chambers and Grunt that they do exist and dragging them all over the ship looking for them constitutes a waste of time.

You cannot assign Yeoman Chambers to "Guard the flight line"

You will no longer perform lap-dances in uniform.

Should you take the uniform off, during the course of the lap dance, it still counts.

The revolution is not now. Hacking the electronic message boards on the Citadel and expressing your violent desires for liberty, equality, fraternity and free love is counter-productive.

When detained by an Asari C-Sec officer, you do not have the right to a strip search.

No part of the military uniform is edible, telling Chambers that the armpits taste like chicken was simply cruel.

Bodychecking Flag and General Officers is not a good idea.

Your past lives as General Patton, George Washington and Hannibal have no effect on the chain of command.

Take that hat off.

There is no such thing as a were-virgin. Jack is not one.

You do not get "that time of month."

No, the pants are not optional.

Not allowed to operate a business out of the crew quarters.

Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

Not even if they **are** "especially patriotic films".

Not allowed to 'defect' to Opposing Force on training exercises.

Not allowed to shoot down the Admiral's flagship on training exercises.

"A fresh thermal clip and some privacy" is not the way to help a potential suicide.

You are not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

Your teddy bear is not allowed into classified areas.

We do not "Charge into battle, naked, like the Celts."

Any device that can crawl from the cockpit to the Galaxy Map on medium setting does not need to be brought on duty.

Do not refer to the Destiny Ascension as "That boxy, circular, flying coffin thingy."

You are not a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

On your Navy Personnel file, your sex is not 'Other'."

Nor is your race 'The Black Stallion, to win in the third."

Pokémon trainer is not a Method of Service.

Commander Shepard has neither the time, nor inclination to hear what you once did with six boxes of fruit roll ups.

When flying the Normandy, you may not attempt something you saw in a cartoon, except when it is absolutely necessary.

Your name is not a killing word. Do not suggest this to Grunt.

You are not the Emperor of Anything.

You must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, specifically Commander Shepard, with cigarettes.

While wearing a dark expression all day, then shooting Commander Alenko in the chest with a paintball gun, in the middle of the Mess Hall at lunchtime was considered a very good practical joke by most of the crew (including Commander Alenko) it sent Yeoman Chambers and Chief Engineer vas Normandy into panic attacks and caused Samara to come out of her quarters, ready to deliver a righteous judgment.

Do not challenge Lieutenant Taylor, Commander Alenko and Commander Shepard, as graduates of the SERE program, to eat bugs. They will always do it.

Must not make s'mores in the cockpit.

The Hammerhead, Kodiak, and a Mako cannot be assembled to form a giant battle robot.

The proper response to a briefing is not "That's what you think."

The Freemasons and the Covenant are not in our chain of command.

You should not take incriminating photos of your senior officers.

You should not have EDI manipulate existing material to create incriminating photos of your senior officers.

You are not allowed to give tattoos.

Not allowed to lead a "Coup" during training missions.

You should not confess to crimes that took place before you were born.

"To Conquer the Universe with an Army of Flying Monkey's'" is a bad long term goal to give the Alliance enlistment officer in Zakeera Ward.

NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of Yeoman Chamber's quarters as an Easter decoration. It took Kasumi, Tali and Gabby ten minutes to get her to stop crying.

Don't write up false damage reports. (Broken clutch pedal, hyperspace drive has frequent flame outs, flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged.)

Not allowed to get shot.

The next time the Normandy is attacked, fatally crippled and about to blow up, you will get out and go to the damn escape pod, not wait for a superior officer to drag you out.

"Does that cover everything?" Kaidan finished reading the list.

"Just about," Miranda agreed. "I'll get a copy posted in the Mess Hall tomorrow."

"Waitacottonpickingminute!" Joker spluttered. "What am I supposed to do for fun?"

"You're allowed to taunt the Commander's hamster and her dead fish," Garrus informed him as he walked toward the elevator.

"Nice one Garrus," Taylor laughed as she turned to her fish tank. "Wait, my dead…KELLY!"

LBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB

A/N: Taylor Shepard is my Ultra Renegade Shep, you'll see more of her in Goodnight Saigon and other upcoming stories.


End file.
